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by winterpillowtalk



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alien!Niall, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Aliens, Alternate Universe - Space, Alternate Universe - Vampire, Guards, Humor, M/M, Mars, Multi, Niall Horan & Harry Styles Friendship, Niall Horan & Liam Payne Friendship, Niall Horan & Louis Tomlinson Friendship, Niall Horan & Zayn Malik Friendship, Vampire!Zayn, excessive use of emojis, god help niall, hypertubes, space travel, zayn's lack of spelling
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-15 12:41:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29684124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winterpillowtalk/pseuds/winterpillowtalk
Summary: Niall moved back home to Mars, but he missed his friends, especially Zayn. However, Niall knew something was up with that fateful (but accidental) message from him.Welcome to the wild AU of Alien!Niall and potentially Vampire!Zayn, who messages like a teen from 2009.
Relationships: Niall Horan/Harry Styles, Niall Horan/Liam Payne, Niall Horan/Louis Tomlinson, Niall Horan/Zayn Malik, Niall Horan/Zayn Malik/Liam Payne/Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 32
Kudos: 6





	1. The Bois™

**Author's Note:**

> More chapters hopefully coming soon :) x

Niall looked out of his window onto the red dusty landscape of Mars and sighed. He always thought he liked being at home, as he was with his family, who he loved. But as time went on Niall got more and more bored. He thought about all the fun times he had on Earth with The Bois™, he hated that Zayn called the friendship group that, but it stuck, he wasn’t sure why Zayn was given such an important role in naming their group, maybe the others felt bad for him? Sometimes Niall wondered how Zayn could be a functioning adult, as he acted like a 12-year-old. He started to zone out. He wasn’t sure how long he was zoned out for; it could have been minutes, hours or even days – there was no concept of time on Mars. After his undetermined amount of zoning out, Niall thought about messaging the WhatsApp chat he was in with them all, but the last conversation ended up with Harry and Louis arguing over if purple and orange were complimentary colours. Niall thought about starting the argument again, by saying something even more controversial. Niall thought of a statement which could potentially cause World War 3, after a couple of minutes of quite painful thinking, he finally had it. With a tiny smile Niall started to type his message out.

 **The Bois™** **👏**

 **Niall**  
Guys, I have a really important thing to ask you all.

 **Harry**  
Uuh, okay? What’s up?

 **Louis**  
What’s up Niall? Are you okay?  
  
 **Liam**  
wh  
*what’s up? (sorry pressed enter too quickly)

 **Niall  
** Well, I think purple and orange go well together. But I think pink and red is a better combination. Thoughts?

Niall’s smile got bigger, as he knew this would cause so much disagreement within the group chat, he loved to cause chaos. It broke up his day, maybe he should be a professional Twitter troll. Before he could think about his new career his phone exploded with a million messages from the three of them heatedly discussing Niall’s statement. He didn’t think it would get that heated, but seeing them all type in exclusively caps, he knew it would be best to mute the group until things had calmed down.

A moment after he muted the group chat, Niall was struck with a thought: Zayn never replied to the group, he was always on his phone playing Candy Crush and all those games which are advertised on YouTube if you don’t have AdBlock or bought YouTube premium, which Niall did not understand, why would someone pay so much to get ad free YouTube? He ignored the fact that there were other perks, as they meant nothing to him. He couldn’t get the thought out of his head, with a big internal sigh Niall switched over to his and Zayn’s messages. As he was about to start typing the infamous _Zayn is typing…_ appeared, then disappeared again. “Interesting” Niall thought to himself, as he waited patiently for Zayn to finish his message, Niall thought, or hoped, that Zayn was going to be messaging him in some kind of coherent English. As Zayn hadn’t finished his message Niall decided to go to the kitchen and grab some snacks, as God only knows what he is going to have to decode when he eventually gets Zayn’s message.

Niall’s kitchen was nice for a Martian home, he was proud that he got Kevin McCloud from Grand Designs, or at least he thought he hired Kevin. He wasn’t totally sure has he got his information of Craigslist, and when he did meet “Kevin” he didn’t look exactly how he imagined him. Maybe there were some red flags, like when Maybe-Not-Kevin-McCloud did design his home in the Sims and thought air was 'optional'. But whatever, his home hasn’t broken yet, and if it did, it would make a great episode of Rogue Traders and he could meet his idol, Matt Allwright. His family and friends didn’t understand his obsession of Matt, but who else could look that cool with a leather jacket? No one, not on Earth or Mars. Niall wondered what he could have for a brain boosting snack, he walked to the fridge, he opened it slowly, as he liked the suspense of it. Peaking in, he didn’t see much, only a couple of strawberries. Niall’s face fell a bit, he thought he had more snacks. Doing a 180 degree spin he went to his cupboards, he opened them even more slowly, he hummed the Countdown theme tune quietly to himself, boredom has really gotten to him. Looking in his cupboards there was only a packet of Martian Potatoes©, he hated that potatoes had become Mars’ main exportation, no one cared about the life found on it anymore. After the Matt Daimon film it was potatoes this, potatoes that. Niall hated them he had tried all the ways one could eat them, mashed, boiled and even the fancy hasselback potatoes, which Niall thought were just a waste of time, as roasting them is equally as effective and takes way less time. He shook his head to no one in particular as he realised, he was getting angry over a carb. With a defeated sigh, he walked back to his fridge, as maybe something appeared, wishful thinking, yes, but he was desperate. Alas, nothing new was there, he grabbed the strawberries and walked back into his bedroom.

Niall twiddled his thumbs and looked out of his window again, hoping something, anything would happen. As Niall was about to zone out again, a loud ping broke the silence. He jumped and grabbed the strawberry as some kind of weapon, holding it in front of his face he looked around quickly to see if anything bad had happened. When he realised, he was using a strawberry as a weapon, the potential intruder would just have taken the berry from him and laughed at him. Niall would have to die, he would be too embarrassed to continue with life, everyone would look at him like he was a fool. And Niall was no fool. There was another ping, he finally realised it was his phone pinging, looking down he saw Zayn’s name in his notifications. Grimacing Niall unlocked his phone and started to decode Zayn’s messages.

**Zayn**

**Zayn**  
hey tommo im goin 2 tesco if u wnt anyfin 🤗🧛♂️👀

Zayn  
uuuuu srry nill i dnt meen 2 mssg u i wos mnt 2 mssg lou 🙁😬

 **Zayn**  
idk y i put a vampre ether loool 🤪 maybi im a vampre??? 🤣😂😨😱

Niall looked at the messages in disbelief, how had they been friends for so many years, and Zayn was still misspelling his name? “Unbelievable” Niall muttered to himself as he stared at his phone to decode the awful spelling and extreme use of emojis. From the looks of it, there was nothing too bad about Zayn’s messages, then Niall realised Zayn hadn’t sent him three messages, but instead twenty, each becoming more and more concerned about his potential vampirism.

 **Zayn**  
niiaaaaallllll pls help me i lik the sun 2 much i wnt 2 go 2 florida n b in the see 😭😭😭😢😢😢

Zayn  
wil i stop likin garlic???????? i rlly luv cheesy garlic pasta tho its my thin

 **Zayn**  
dfhjjskhsdf hlp me the google sed im goin 2 die cos of this im too prety 2 die!!!!! 😭😭😭😭

 **Zayn**  
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Niall seriously thought that he shouldn’t reply to Zayn, as he needs to learn that he isn’t going to become a vampire, just because of a single mistake. He was 99% sure you didn’t become a vampire because of the vampire emoji, as that would mean a whole bunch of edgy teens would be immortal. The mere thought of that made Niall shiver, he could just about cope with them being mortal and being able to grow out of the phase, but them being stuck in that phase for eternity, horrific. Niall stretched as he knew this would be a nightmare to reply to a very worried Zayn, no matter how ridiculous the actual situation was.

 **Niall  
** Hey Zayn, sorry for not replying to you quickly, I hope you’re okay. You’re not going to become a vampire as I don’t think you become one if you put the emoji, there’s no need to get worried about it, honestly.

Niall knew he had to distract Zayn to stop him spiralling anymore, as knowing his friend he’s googled some kind of silly remedy which would just waste his time and money.

**Niall**

I heard there was a new game like Candy Crush, I can’t remember what it’s called. Do you?

Zayn replied almost instantly. Niall thanked Mary Berry, he knew she wasn’t dead, but she had a god-like quality he admired about her.

 **Zayn**  
o yh its clled sweet squash its rlly gud lik candy crush bt beter?? 😍🤩 idk how 2 explin it tho

They both continued to speak about the new game, until Zayn stopped replying, Niall looked at his phone and realised it was about 2am in England. Logically, Zayn would have fallen asleep. With a sigh of relief Niall put his phone down and turned the TV on and settled down to watch Teen First Dates. He knew this was a silly show, but there was something almost endearing about the couples being so awkward and accidently breaking things.


	2. Golfing ‘R’ Us! ᴳᵒˡᶠᶦⁿᵍ ‘ᴿ’ ᵁˢᵎ

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niall just wanted to go to work, but things always happen

A couple of days had past since Zayn’s crisis over his vampirism, Niall still didn’t understand how Zayn went from joking about it to full blown thinking he would be unable to go to Florida because of the sun. He wanted to see if Harry, Louis or Liam had any ideas, the four of them had a separate chat from Zayn. Harry set it up to organise his 25th birthday present to Disneyland Milton Keynes for unknown reasons Zayn was obsessed with this location, when Harry mentioned Disneyland Paris, Zayn ranted (or as much as he could through angry emojis) about how much more superior the Milton Keynes franchise of Disneyland was. Niall didn’t quite understand the appeal of Milton Keynes, he always found it very grey, and the Disneyland park was not much different, nothing quite compared the unenthusiastic employee welcoming them into the park. Niall chuckled as he remembered how excited Zayn was to go on the rides and see his favourite Disney character, Meeko the raccoon from Pocahontas. None of them got why Zayn loved that fictional raccoon so much, but when Liam questioned him, Zayn said, “I relate to him…” and never finished the sentence as he got distracted by a bunch of balloons and insisted that Niall bought him one. Niall knew better to cave to Zayn’s incessant whining about balloons, as he hadn’t gotten over Blue Planet-gate. Before Niall re-traumatised himself about that fateful day, he found that chat and started to type.

**DLMK2018**

**Niall**  
Hey guys, I’ve brought this chat back from the dead. But I need to ask you a question without Zayn being able to see it.

 **Harry**  
I swear to God, Horan, if you bring up the purple and orange or pink and red colours from a couple of days ago, I WILL BLOCK YOU! I AM NOT JOKING!

 **Liam**  
same harry! you love to cause issues sometimes niall. i don’t understand why!?

 **Louis**  
Anyway, what’s up Niall?

Niall laughed quietly, he loved that the boys were still talking about his chaos inducing statement from earlier that week.

 **Niall**  
So, this is weird…. So Zayn accidently messaged me instead of you Lou, as he was going to Tesco. Nothing too odd about that, as he never checked who he’s messaging. I have no idea how he’s not got into trouble with it.

 **Louis**  
Hahaha, typical Zayn! But, yeah nothing odd about that….

 **Niall**  
Right? Anyways, he accidently added a vampire emoji and then panicked about it? There’s a lot so I’ll just screenshot it and send it over to you all.

 **Harry:**  
Sure, I’ve not heard anything about this…

He knew that it would be easier to show them all the screenshots than trying to explain the car crash that was Zayn’s messages. He found the relevant messages and sent them over.

 **Liam**  
that’s weird, i’m sure you can’t become a vampire by sending an emoji? you have to be bitten by one, that’s what i learnt from twilight anyways, i’m sure that is factually accurate too

 **Harry**  
That’s absolutely bonkers. You can’t become a vampire like that! Zayn should know that, he may act like a 12-year-old sometimes, but he is 28 for Christ’s sake!

Niall let out an audible sigh of relief, as he knew it was a silly idea, no one could become a vampire because of an emoji. If this was the case for all occults, if someone put an alien emoji they’d also turn into an alien, which was of course a wildly impossible concept, as then there would be more aliens roaming around. But still it was an intriguing idea. Niall thought about that idea, he didn’t think it was that bad, maybe he could ask NASA’s Mars Rover, Curiosity about it, the bleeps always made him think he was having some kind of intelligent conversation. He also enjoyed thinking that a group of people just panicking seeing a human-like creature walk around Mars without any spacesuit or any kind of protection. Niall considered his career as a Twitter troll, but imagined his life as a NASA troll, the fame he’d get from that would be huge. He could just see it. His name up in the worldwide trending hashtags. He was getting distracted, he said goodbye to his friends and thanked them for knocking some sense into him.

***

Niall didn’t think he was that late for work, he cursed his bad time management and general lack of concept of time. He thought he was only about five minutes late, max. When he arrived at Golfing ‘R’ Us, his manager looked less than impressed, she may be small, but she had an energy around her which Niall thought she could and would kill him and hide his body without a blink of an eye. He was terrified.

“So-…. Sorry! I’m here give me a second” he gasped. He really needed to get back into shape, this was just embarrassing. He only lived around the corner.

She looked at him with a withered ‘I’m going to kill you’ smile. “Niall…” she said scarily quiet “you knew you were meant to come into work at 10am,” looking down at her watch quickly “… it’s now 11am. What could you have been doing?”

Niall blushed, he couldn’t explain the fiasco about the whole vampire Zayn situation, he was already on thin ice, this wouldn’t help his case. After a very long second and looking at his feet he replied, “family issues?”.

His manager did not look like she believed him, but she didn’t push it anymore. With a glare which could freeze over Hell, she pointed to a new shipment of new Callaway golf clubs then pointed to a display. He quickly realised what he had to do, with a curt nod, he got to work stacking the clubs in an aesthetically pleasing way.

Niall loved golf, he loved it ever since he went to Earth for the first time. He found it such an interesting concept. A bunch of people hitting a small ball into a small hole into the ground. Fascinating. He also found the names mildly amusing too, such as birdie. He always wondered if a bird would come out of the grass, like a grass Loch Ness Monster, but like the monster, he had never seen on with his own eyes. An hour passed and he had just about finished placing all the clubs into their display, stepping back to admire his work a small glow of pride rose in his stomach, or hunger. He wasn’t sure, as he forgot to eat before leaving his house. Regardless, Niall was proud of his work.

There were a lot of employees at Golfing ‘R’ Us, as well as a high staff turnover, Niall never bothered remembering most of their names, as they would leave within two months. He never understood why they left, maybe they didn’t love golf as much as he did. Looking over at the cash register a very tired employee was trying to reason with a very annoyed customer.

“For the last time” she said through gritted teeth “we cannot accept this as a form of payment”. Niall was impressed she hadn’t yelled at the customer; she must have got the patience of a saint.

The customer looked to be in his late 40s, and was bright red, but not because he was a Martian, but because he was trying to argue that he could use Monopoly money to buy a twenty-seven thousand Martian Dollar golf club. “BUT IT IS MONEY! LOOK, IT HAS A VALUE!” he yelled at her, throwing the money onto the counter. Niall could see this was getting out of hand and the poor employee looked like she was going to punch the customer if he wasn’t careful.

With an internal sigh, Niall walked over to the counter and cleared his throat obnoxiously loud to get the customer’s attention. “Hello sir” he said in his best customer service voice “welcome to Golfing ‘R’ Us. How may I help you?”.

The now very angry customer whipped around and glared at Niall. “What?” he demanded. With a deep breath Niall stuck a smile on his face and bravely carried on.

“Sir, may I see the money you have given…” Niall looked at the employee with a blank expression on his face. He should have learnt at least a couple of names.

With an exasperated look, she replied “Olivia.”

“Right, Olivia, sorry.” He said sheepishly. Turning his face away from Olivia, he didn’t want her to notice that he was mortified, if he was a Sim he’d be saying hello to the Grim Reaper, as he’d be dead. He took the now very crumpled Monopoly money in his hand and looked at it, humming thoughtfully. Was he procrastinating before answering the angry customer? Definitely. Was it working? Probably not. After another couple of seconds, he turned to the customer, and with his most authoritative voice he had he addressed the customer.

“Mister, sorry I never got your last name.”

“Pimento. Adrian Pimento,” the customer hissed back.

“Mr. Pimento, may I call you Adrian?”

“No.” Adrian answered so quickly Niall was taken aback.

Like the true professional Niall was, he recovered within a second. “I apologise, Mr. Pimento. You are unable to use this currency in this store, as my colleague has explained very well,” he glanced at Olivia with a small nod. Before Adrian could argue, he continued quickly “however, you are able to change it at the Mars National Bank. Just over the road”. Niall pointed over to a building which looked suspiciously like a Pret a Manger.

There was a tense silence. Niall watched Adrian’s face for any signs of a potential threat. He had trained in self-defence, even though it was just from a YouTube video and he didn’t do any of the moves. He had the theoretical concept down, so he hoped that would be enough. Adrian snatched the money from the counter and mumbled some incoherent words under his breath, Niall thought he heard ‘lettuce’, but he wasn’t sure. Whatever Adrian said, he turned around and walked out of the store and across the street. He was now Mars National Bank’s issue, not Golfing ‘R’ Us’s. Niall had never been so relieved to see a customer leave, he looked at Olivia and the relief on her face was beyond words.

She shook her head “customers, am I right?” with a weak laugh.

Niall made a positive ‘mhm’ noise and excused himself to carry on with some other tasks which Adrian had delayed him doing.

***

The clock finally ticked over to 6pm. He had never been so excited to go home and relax, the day had really taken it out of him. He just wanted to get a takeaway and sit and watch trashy TV until he fell asleep. Sadly, Niall looked at his phone and saw that the group chat with all five of them had over 100 messages. He thought he could ignore them and just enjoy his evening with his dinner, but a small piece of him knew that wasn’t a good idea. Reluctantly he opened The Bois™ group and started to read.

 **The Bois™** **👏**

 **Zayn**  
guuuuyyssss hlp mw pls 😰 😰 😩 😥 😩 😥

 **Harry**  
What’s wrong Zayn? Are you okay?

 **Liam**  
ar

 **Louis**  
Z? what’s going on???

 **Liam**  
* are you okay?  
i keep on pressing enter too quickly

 **Zayn**  
idek if u gys no abt dis but i snt nill a mssge w a vampre on n smthin is rong!!!! 😩 🤧 😵

 **Liam**  
wrong? like how? you need to explain more

 **Louis**  
Should I call 999? Do you need an ambulance?

 **Harry**  
Seriously, Zayn, stop joking around!  
  


Niall skipped froward a bit, as most of the early messages were his friends to get any kind of information out of a very distressed Zayn.

 **Zayn**  
i tryed 2 go owtsid 2day bt it rlly hurt so ive bin indors al day 😭 😭 😰 i wos fin yday tho

 **Liam**  
lol zayn, you might be a vampire!!

 **Harry**  
SHUT UP LIAM! NOT THE TIME

 **Louis**  
BE QUIET LIAM!!!!

 **Zayn**  
wat if im a vampre tho!!!! 😱 i googled it n i sow a news fing n it hapend 2 anofer person!!! 😭

 **Liam**  
but… it’s funny! this can’t be real, do you sparkle when you go into the sun??

 **Zayn**  
nuuuu bt i go hhhiissss lik a snak 🐍 idk shul i go 2 the doc? 👨⚕️ 😢

 **Louis**  
Yeah, I think you should. Maybe called 111?

 **Harry**  
I agree with Louis, call them and I’m sure they’ll be able to help you. Try and stay calm, okay?

 **Zayn**  
ok ill call em now i hope im nt a vampre cos thts no fair

 **Zayn**  
it wos jst a emoji 😢 😭 😭 😱

Niall stared at his phone in shock. Could this be real? Zayn can’t become a vampire from a silly emoji? Right? As he was going to spiral Logical Niall kicked in, he knew Zayn, he gets really worked up over nothing. He once stubbed his toe and thought it was going to fall off. It was too late to do anything now, Niall had to try and calm down, he sat down on the sofa with his takeaway and turned the TV on. He flicked through a couple of channels and landed on a repeat of Vampire Diaries. He snorted, “great, just great. Just what I want to end my day on” he thought to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please feel free to comment :D x


	3. Hypertube

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niall knew working on Saturday would be a boring. At least his friends can inject some fun into his day.

BLEEP! BLEEP!

“Five more minutes!” Niall shouted at his alarm clock. Why did he think working on a Saturday was a good idea? Who goes to a golfing shop on a Saturday, most of them would be golfing! With a groan, Niall opened his eyes and blearily looked at his phone. It was five in the morning. This showed him not to stay up until 3am watching Vampire Diaries, but could he remember any of the plot? Absolutely not. Which in Niall’s personal opinion was a blessing, as he was sure it wasn’t worth his brain keeping the information. All he knew was that there were some vampires, and potentially a diary involved. His phone bleeped again. “Okay, okay, I’m up…. just about,” he said to his alarm turning it off. He stretched and slowly got himself out of his sleeping pod. His sleeping pod was hard to describe, he tried to explain his sleeping arrangement to Harry once, but the best he could do was to say it looked the egg from those early 2000s baby alien toys. Although his was much cooler, it had posters on it, a bit like papier mâché, or an emo’s bedroom wall. Either were a fairly accurate description of it. He closed the lid of his pod and found his work clothes, helpfully they were right next to his feet. He picked them up and walked to the bathroom.

After about half an hour of regretting his entire life choices and wanting to go back to sleep, he changed into his work uniform. It was intense yellow and green coloured jumper and equally as offensive bright orange trousers. Niall thought he looked like a highlighter threw up on him. He shrugged as he couldn’t change his uniform and even if he could, he knew he’d inevitably ask at least one of his friends and they’d come up with something as bad as his current one. He fixed his hair into the classic ‘I didn’t do anything with it, but it took me an hour to do’ style and made his way to the kitchen. He was eternally glad his home was small; he couldn’t imagine living in a massive house. What if he got lost? Would anyone find him? Would turn into a ghost? Would he be a nice ghost, like Casper? He knew it was too early to have an existential crisis, his new years resolution was not to have a crisis before 7am. He was doing well; it was January 7th and he had already avoided ten crises. He double checked his phone, as he was not going to be late. He didn’t want his manager to fire him, or worse, kill him.

“5:45, okay. I have an hour until I have to be at work. That’s plenty of time to get some breakfast and…” He paused midsentence and gasped in horror. He forgot to buy food yesterday, he was too exhausted after the whole mess with Mr. Pimento and just got his dinner and went straight home. He wished he didn’t snack on the strawberries whilst he decoded Zayn’s messages. In a panic he messaged the messaged Harry, as Harry worked in a bakery, he’d know what to do.

**Harry**

**Niall**  
Harry!! HARRY!

 **Harry**  
Are you okay? Why are you messaging me at 3:46?!

In his breakfast-based panic, Niall forgot about the two-hour time difference between England and Mars

 **Niall**  
Ah, sorry Harry, I totally forgot about the time difference. But I need to be in work in about an hour and nothing’s open, and I only have potatoes to eat! You know how much I hate them.

 **Harry**  
Oh my god, Niall! I thought you were in danger. If I was Zayn I’d be using lots of emojis, but I can’t do it to myself.

 **Niall**  
I am in danger! In danger of not eating something.

Niall could almost hear Harry’s sigh from 140 million miles away. He should have felt bad about causing this kind of distress, but he didn’t care at this point. Harry didn’t reply for a good five minutes. A small part of Niall thought that Harry was going to turn up at is front door and punch. But he didn’t, Niall exhaled, as he didn’t think being punched by his friend would be fun, even though a lot of people punch each other if they see a yellow car. Humans are so strange Niall thought to himself, he thanked Mary Berry that he was a Martian and didn’t have to deal with the odd social behaviours on a day-to-day basis.

 **Harry** _  
_I cannot believe you… but I had a look in my recipe book. You know the one? Right?

 **Niall**  
Yeah! Potatoes, Potatoes & Potatoes: 101 Spud Recipes.

 **Harry**  
Anyways, there’s a recipe for tatws stwnsh. It looks easy for you to do and doesn’t take too long. I’ll take a picture of the method and ingredients for you.

Harry sent over a picture of an aging recipe book with everything Niall needed to make this new mysterious potato dish.

 **Niall**  
Thanks Harry! You’re a life saver, I’ve never heard about tatws stwnsh before. What is it?

 **Harry**  
Look it up on Bing Niall, I’m going back to sleep, sorry.

Niall thanked his friend and wished him a goodnight. He read over the recipe and within half an hour he had a lovely bowl of tatws stwnsh, which now looking at it more it was looking suspiciously like mashed potato. _Whatever_ , Niall thought _I’m too hungry to care now. Even if potatoes are awful_. He shovelled it into his mouth in record time, dropped his bowl and spoon into the sink and rushed out of the house, making sure he had everything he needed. Tapping his sides for his keys, phone, and ID badge, satisfied he had everything he started his two-minute walk to work.

***

Golfing ‘R’ Us looked kind of intimidating in the early morning sun. The large building loomed over him with its bright coloured sign dimmed because they had complaints about it being too bright and distracting drivers as well as pedestrians. The sign did get a lot of media attention and any press is good press in Niall’s eyes, especially when a petition went around demanding the company to lower the brightness of the sign. At first, everyone thought it was a joke, but then it was signed by almost three people, and the jokes stopped. The petition signers made quiet a lot of fuss about the sign and threatened to burn the shop down. In Niall’s honest opinion, it seemed very dramatic as it was just a bright sign and the brightness made it eye-catching. But with the mounting pressure of those almost three people, corporate made the decision to dim the sign.

Looking around to see if any of employees were around, he unlocked the shop and deactivated the alarms. The shop floor was peaceful, Niall walked around to check if anything needed to be restocked, as he never trusted the night staff to do a correct job. They always seemed to put the golf clubs in the wrong display, however this time they seemed to have put everything in the right place. Niall walked to the back and turned on the lights, with a pleasing _woosh_ everything burst into life. Niall didn’t realise how much he liked opening the shop, but then again, he was running on potatoes and two hours sleep, he could just be delirious.

Even though Niall wasn’t the manager he liked to pretend he was and ordered around imaginary people. He thought he’d be a good manager, fair but firm. He never had any complains from his ‘employees’ even if they were just golf clubs and knitted vests. Sadly, he couldn’t stay in his managerial fantasy forever, as he heard something move in the back. Niall froze, fear filled his entire being.

“Hellloooooo….?” Exclaimed the unknown person.

Niall screamed a tiny bit, he didn’t expect anyone to be here, not this early anyways.

“Hi! Sorry I didn’t mean to scare you. I didn’t expect anyone in this early as it’s 6:15,” said the unidentified person apologetically.

Niall shook his head to try and quieten the screams in his head. In a small voice he replied, “oh, it’s okay. I came in early to unlock and things… sorry who are you?”

As soon as he asked the question, a young woman walked into the light. The light shone down on her, if this were a YA novel, Niall presumed this would be his ‘love interest’ if he was the protagonist. The second he thought about this, he felt unwell. Maybe it was the potatoes coming to exact their revenge. He looked at her again, she looked awake, but there wasn’t something quite right about her, he couldn’t put his finger on why she looked wrong. Maybe it was because she looked so awake and alert at 6am, whatever it was, Niall wasn’t going to dwell on it, not now anyway.

“Right, I’m Heather. I’m the weekend manager, I don’t think we’ve met before, nice to meet ya! Do you usually do weekdays? ‘Cause I’ve never seen you before,” she said cheerily, almost _too_ cheerily.

Niall stood there dumbfounded. He did not expect to be met with this kind of enthusiasm to work on a Saturday. A million questions rushed through his mind all at once. “Uuuh….?” Paired with a very weak smile.

There was an awkward silence. Heather tapped her feet on the floor and looked around. Niall wasn’t sure if he should try and attempt Smalltalk or just leave the situation. Another painful second past, neither of them said anything.

Heather coughed to break the silence. “So…. The weather, amirite? Why has it been so cold, it never goes under -60 degrees! I had to put another layer on this morning before leaving.”

He had never been so excited to talk about the weather. He thought he would have to fake going to the bathroom to get out of the awkwardness. “Right?!” He said a bit too excitedly “I can’t believe it’s this cold. I checked the weather forecast and it said it would be a minimum of -40 degrees. We were lied to, but I suppose we’re lucky, as there’s a heatwave on Earth, according to my friends.”

“But… it’s January on Earth? How is there a heatwave? Shouldn’t it be cold...?” Heather looked visibly confused as she questioned Niall’s statement.

Niall was so close to giving up with the entire conversation. He didn’t want to carry on talking about the weather whether it was Martian weather or Earth’s weather. Just before he started his explanation about why there was a heatwave in January, his phone vibrated in his pocket. “Excuse me,” Niall said, as he turned around and made his way to the staffroom, leaving Heather still confused about the Earth heatwave statement. Niall looked at his phone and saw it was a message from Louis. Louis never messaged Niall unless Zayn had done something life threateningly silly.

**Louis**

**Louis**  
Hey Niall!

 **Niall**  
What has Zayn done now? If he’s tried to microwave himself again because he was cold…

 **Louis**  
What?! When did he do that? No, not that, but I am seriously worried about him

 **Niall**  
Oh, okay. Never mind, what’s up?

 **Louis**  
Well, I was thinking as it’s Harry’s birthday soon, we should see if we can meet up? We we’ve not seen you in _ages,_ and with Harry finally realising his dream to become a stripper we won’t be able to see him much after his birthday. Y’know, with stripping? I don’t know what he does to be honest

 **Niall** _  
_Oh sure! That sounds like a great idea. I have time off from tomorrow as I saved it all up. I think I have about 8 weeks. Maybe we could all have a holiday somewhere if you guys are free too.

 **Louis**  
Harry’s always wanted to do ice sculpting. I have no idea why, he’s not that creative. He thought that calling a cat ‘Dog’ was the wittiest thing on earth

 **Niall**  
Eh, true. But it is his birthday, has everyone else agreed to this?

 **Louis**  
Yep, everyone’s okay with it, we were just waiting for you.

 **Niall**  
Cool, I’ll book my hypertube ticket when I get home from work.

Niall turned his phone on do not disturb and left the staffroom with a slight spring in his step. He knew the day would drag, but at least he had a plan for the next couple of weeks, as well as seeing his friends.

***

Much to Niall’s prediction the day did drag, no customers came into the shop. The staff were more interested in scrolling through their phones and looking at celebrity drama than appreciating the art which is golf. Heather, the overenthusiastic manager spent most of the time in her office, yelling at someone over the phone. Niall didn’t want to ask when she existed her office and exhaled dramatically. Staying out of office politics was the way he worked. He couldn’t be bothered with the drama between Leanne and Erin, from what he understood from the whispers one of them ate Colin The Caterpillar’s face, as it’s the best bit which the other was saving. This apparently caused such a rift in their friendship they have not spoken to each other in months. He just looked out of the big glass doors and waited for his shift to end.

***

Niall rushed out of the staff’s door, he was beyond relieved that he had finished work, he could get home and plan is trip to Earth for Harry’s albeit odd birthday outing. He kicked off his shoes when entered and put his keys and ID badge in the bowl next to the front door. Before he got too excited about his trip, he had to make sure that he had food for tonight, again, he forgot to go to the shops to buy anything. He was in such a good mood, the lack of anything with a nutritional value didn’t faze him, instead he opened one of the many food delivery apps and placed an order at his favourite Martian restaurant.

After the immense popularity of the Martian film, the one which Niall despised so much it made his blood boil. The interest in holiday to Mars increased so much, Elon Musk decided to cash in with its popularity and build a hypertube from different places on Earth to Mars’ capital, Holden Crater. At first Niall didn’t think the hypertube would be a good idea, especially as Earth’s Super Rich would be walking around his beloved Golfing ‘R’ Us. However, he soon changed his opinion as he realised the trip to Earth would take three weeks instead of the five months a normal spaceship would take, and that was with all the conditions to be perfect. Even if the tickets were an entire month’s paycheck he knew it would be worth it. Niall Binged his favourite hypertube website as it gave you the best deals for tickets. Scrolling down he found one which would depart tomorrow evening, he was glad it was only 650 Martian Dollars, even if it wasn’t the most comfortable pod, it would have to do. Converting his money was another entire issue, as after Brexit the exchange rate between Great British Pounds and Martian Dollars were on an all-time low, with a resigned sigh, he also looked up the rates. He knew he’d have to exchange a lot, especially as he was going for two weeks. As he was adding up how much he needed he messaged the chat which Zayn named, again. They’ve really got to stop asking him to name their chats.

**Urff!!! 🌍**

**Niall**  
Uh, quick question. What are we doing about the whole accommodation situation when I’m on Earth?

 **Liam**  
oh, i don’t know, we didn’t think about that…

 **Louis**  
I was thinking about an Airbnb? As we can discounts if we stay for a while

 **Zayn**  
yiiiiiiissss airbnb laaaadsssssss 🙌 🙌 🥳

 **Liam**  
that’s cool, i can sort that out for everyone, i need one w a studio though, as i need to finish my demo for simon

 **Louis**  
Uh, okay? That’s oddly specific, but there’s probably one out there

 **Zayn**  
a studio???? R u stil singin liam????? bt si sed 2 stop????? 👀👀🤔

_Liam left the chat_

**Louis**  
Uch, I’ll talk to Liam about this. Zayn, cut it out. You know he loves to sing!

 **Niall**  
Cool, that’s all sorted then. Will your bosses be okay for the rest of you to take 2 weeks off work?

 **Zayn**  
yh shud b ill txt prof flynn n ask abt it

 **Louis**  
I should be fine, I’ve got a lot of picture of Princess Cookie I can upload through the two weeks. Thank Lord for photoshoots!

_Liam entered the chat_

**Liam**  
first of all zayn. i will be a singer! you watch this space

 **Zayn**  
shoooreeee, whtvr liam 🙄✌️

Niall decided to ignore the petty argument between Liam and Zayn. Zayn always seems to pick on Liam’s ambitions of being a singer, but between the rest of the friend group, Liam’s voice wasn’t the best. Niall thought he was trying to impersonate another singer, but not quite getting it.

 **Niall**  
Liam? What about you? Are you free for two weeks when I’m down, as long as you’ve got a studio?

 **Liam**  
yep, i’m free for then. i can’t wait to see you all, it’s going to be such a good time!!

 **Niall**  
It is! I can’t wait. I hope Harry likes his surprise.

He had 20 hours until he had to get to the hypertube for his trip to earth. He put on his favourite band, One Direction, he really loved Four, especially Horatio’s voice, it was so beautiful. He hummed along as he washed up his spoon and bowl from this morning and put them away, as well as tidying the surfaces. He liked to make sure that his house was clean for when he came back after a trip. It was one thing less to think about when he was on holiday. He bopped along to Clouds dusting the air ducts a knock on the door shocked him out of his One Direction trance. Niall got down from the stool he was standing on and opened the door.

“Hello, is this… Niall Horan?” The stranger asked.

“Yes?” Niall answered cautiously.

“Great, here’s your food. Enjoy!” The man handed over two containers of food to Niall and turned around with a slight wave.

Niall shut the door and walked back to his living room with his dinner, sitting down on the sofa with a knife and fork he went through some TV shows and finally landed on a repeat of Hell’s Kitchen. As he ate, he watched as some poor chef was being yelled at by a very angry British man because she forgot the salt the water. As soon as the credits rolled for the show, he turned the TV off and put his takeaway containers on the side to wash later in the evening. Now, for another challenge, finding this suitcase, he knew it was in his house somewhere, it was probably in his spare room, which has turned into his junk room. With a lot of effort, Niall forced his way into the room, as he scanned the room, he saw all his failed hobbies, such as a mini pottery kiln and a train set. He moved an inch forward and looked to his left, and saw his suitcase balanced precariously on top of a box, with surgical precision he removed the case from the boxes and moved it into his bedroom to pack his clothes.

He looked at the suitcase, he knew he should get a new one as he got his current one from a charity shop. It was bright red with a 1D sticker on it, which had seen better days and one of the wheels made an irritating squeaking noise when he rolled it. Maybe he’d get a new one when he was on Earth, as there must be some nice ones down there. He opened the case and shoved all the clothes he owned into it, he didn’t own much, as he lived in pyjamas and his work clothes, but what he did own was nice, in his opinion, no hideously bright colours in sight. He put his travel toiletries bag in the case as well, last time he forgot it and had to buy everything again, he did not want to repeat that. Gazing down at his case he realised how many fun trips he had with it, his eyes filled with tears. Why did he have such an attachment to this suitcase? It was just an object. As he almost cried over a suitcase, he knew it was time for him to try and get some sleep, as it was going to be a long three week trip to Earth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to comment x :D


	4. Snoot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Today was the day Niall started his trip to Earth, but first he had to meet Snoot.

Today was the day. The day Niall would embark on his journey to Earth. Niall did not sleep much last night, he was too excited about today. He kept on checking his ticket making sure it was the correct date, the last time he travelled he turned up on the wrong day. Awkward. He paced around his house trying to kill time, he now wished he picked an earlier time. He checked his phone, he had five hours to waste until he had to be at the station. Niall liked to get to there about half an hour before he was meant to leave, as he always knew there would be some kind of mix up with his name. He never understood how the staff could get his name wrong, his name was relatively simple for a Martian name _Niall James Horan,_ three words, three! Walking around his house had a calming effect on him, as he made sure all the plugs were off and everything was in its rightful place. Even though he knew no-one would steal from him, as he had a guard cow which he rented from a website, for when he was going away for more than a couple of days. Looking after a cow was a lot of work, so he had one only to keep his home safe. He unlocked his phone again and found the confirmation text from the renting website.

 **01632 960931**  
Thank you Niall for your order from Rent-A-Guard-Cow.  
Your confirmation number is: COW539244A.  
Brian will be delivering your cow on 08/01/2021 at 12:46. Please make sure you’re in to receive your cow.

Niall checked his phone, it said 12:34, he had just over ten minutes before his guard cow arrived. He read many different articles about renting a guard cow, most of the websites said it should have a couple of hours to acclimatise to its surroundings before you leave it on its own, especially as cows were notoriously aggressive towards strangers. They had to know that the people in the house were not a threat. That reminded Niall he had to write a note to his Post-Martian to leave his post with his neighbour, Mrs. Rellish, as he didn’t want to feel guilty if the unexpecting Post-Martian got mauled by it. He read the horror stories of a neighbour being attacked by another guard cow, much to Niall’s relief the neighbour was able to escape from its grips and got away. When he brought up the idea of a guard cow to his friends, they all reacted in the exact same way: utter confusion. Niall tried and failed to explain is reasoning, the main reason he did not want his house to be broken into was because he had an ultra-rare copy of One Direction’s debut album Up All Night, it was worth more than his entire friend group’s lives, if one of them took it Niall would have to put them under citizen’s arrest, he would have no choice in the matter.

There was a sharp knock at Niall’s door. “My cuard gow!” He exclaimed, even if he did accidently swap the ‘c’ and ‘g’ around he was too excited to care. He raced to his door and flung it open, he was met by a small man, he could not have been more than four foot tall. Unusual for a Martian as they all over seven foot, apart from Niall, he was tiny from a Martian standpoint. He always used to get picked on at school, they used to call him Nubby Niall just because he was five foot eight, so he spent much of his day up in the library reading about golf. Niall wondered if that was where his passion of golf came from, as from the age of 9 it was the only thing he could think about. The small man cleared his throat and Niall peered down at him.

“Hello sir, I am Brian. I have come to deliver your guard cow, Snoot.”

“Snoot?” Niall spluttered. “Why is it called Snoot?!”

With an irritated sigh Brian reluctantly replied “I have no idea sir. Please just sign this form so I can place her in your garden” shoving a tablet into Niall’s face.

Taken aback by Brian’s inability to even entertain why the cow was called Snoot, he skimmed through the forms, worryingly one section stated that the company was not liable to any deaths or injuries cause by the cows. Niall signed them anyway, as he knew his home would be safe with Snoot the Guard Cow. He handed the tablet back to Brian with a smile. Brian did not return the smile and walked back to his white van.

Niall tried to see what Brian was doing, it looked like he was putting protective layers on. He first started with a thin mesh tank top. _Weird_ , Niall thought to himself, he didn’t think Brian was into the rave scene. Then he carried on adding layer upon layers, it got to the point where Niall was unsure if Brian was able to move, after a couple of minutes, the now very protected Brian opened the back of his van and Snoot calmly stepped out.

Snoot looked around at her new home for the time being. She did not look impressed with his small but perfectly adequate garden. There was a small water feature of a chickpea as well as his small vegetable patch, Niall was very proud of his squashes, they had grown a lot over the winter. He thought he should give one to Harry as a birthday present, but he didn’t know where Harry stood on the love/hate spectrum of the orange vegetable. Brian waddled back over to Niall and handed him a piece of a paper and a whistle.

“Right, all of the information you need is in here. If you have any questions, tough luck. You should’ve read the forms more closely, as you are now on your own, bud” Brian pointed at a green tub which magically appeared in his garden. “That is her food, it should keep her fed as when you’re away. If not… well…. You’ve got grass.”

“Uh, okay? Thank you, I suppose?” Niall wasn’t sure how to respond to Brian’s bluntness. Before he could think of anything else to say, Brian was making his way back to his van, making sure to keep his distance from Snoot.

Niall looked at the piece of paper he was handed, it read ‘How to Train Your Guard Cow: A Beginners Guide’. It didn’t look too complicated, just some operant conditioning and he was set. Snoot didn’t look to aggressive; she was munching on some of the feed which had come out of the green tub. Niall cautiously walked towards her. “…. Hello, Snoot. Who’s a good cow,” he said quietly, as one of the top pointers was so walk slowly around the cow as well as talking softly. Snoot mooed in response. _Huh, a good reaction so far_ , Niall thought to himself, this was going to be a piece of cake. He continued down the guide, nothing seemed to out of the ordinary, but he needed a stop word, that only he and Snoot knew, so she wouldn’t attack him, if he came back. Niall thought for a couple of minutes for a good safe word. Finally, he had one: ‘fireproof’ _,_ simple yet no one says it in conversation. Niall gently tapped Snoot’s brown shoulder to get her attention. He repeated the word ‘fireproof’ about five or six times until Snoot got the idea.

***

The sun was starting to set, which meant Niall was again, running late. The whole cow training took longer than he expected. Snoot may be smart, but she was still a cow and had to be taught not to go in certain areas. After she got it, Niall walked into his house and did one last check to see if everything was turned off, everything was, so he grabbed his suitcase, phone, keys and his hypertube ticket and stepped out onto his porch. Everything was silent, until a second later, when he heard a blood curdling moo coming from his left. Niall turned around and saw Snoot running towards him, her eyes were black, and it looked like she was going for blood. “FIREPROOF!” Niall screamed just before Snoot made it onto the path. The second she heard the stop word, she halted and turned around. Niall could feel his heard in his throat, he never thought Snoot could turn so aggressive. But then again, he did pay for a guard cow, at least he knew that his home would be safe from any potential thieves. Shakily he locked his door and walked down the path, just fast enough to make sure Snoot didn’t spot him again. He was finally on his way to the station. He put his headphones in and turned on his music on, as he was not going to walk in silence. He opened the Urff!!! group, as he knew Liam would be anxiously waiting for an update on Niall’s journey.

 **Urff!!!** 🌍

 **Niall**  
Hi guys. Just finished training Snoot (the guard cow) so I’m on my way to the station. See you in three weeks!

 **Liam**  
yaaaay! see you soon niall, have a safe journey

 **Louis**  
Same Niall, have a good trip! Which station are you going to? I’ll pick you up. I’ll make an excuse to why I’m leaving for Harry.

 **Zayn**  
🥳🥳🥳 yeeeeeeeeeeee niiiiiiiiaaaaallllllll c u swn 😄😄✈️

 **Niall  
@Louis** I’m getting into Worcester at about 4pm, is that okay?

 **Louis  
@Niall** That’s fine, our Airbnb isn’t too far from the station, I’ll be able to walk down and meet you.

Niall put his phone in his pocket, and carried on walking, his suitcase’s wheel made the annoying squeak he loved but also hated.

***

Niall turned the corner and saw the hypertube station. It looked a bit like a fancy London train station, if you ignored the transparent tubes coming out of the roof. There always seemed to be a group of youths hanging around the station blasting their music, Niall thought he recognised one of the songs, but it was such an awful remix he couldn’t totally make it out. He walked through the main doors and was greeted by a staff member. They looked Niall up and down once before starting their very scripted piece on how to be safe in the station as well as important updates on the lines. Niall nodded along, he emphasised with them, working is customer service was hard. There was a pause and the staff member looked impatiently at Niall. “Oh, yeah. The ticket” He handed his hypertube ticket to the staff member who scanned it and pointed him over to the correct platform. “Thanks…” Niall said as he walked down the main part of the station to the platform which would get him to Worcester.

The automatic doors opened as Niall walked onto the platform. There were rows of hypertube capsules lined up, each one had a specific number which linked to the ticket. Niall found his number fairly quickly as there were only ten in the station, he placed his suitcase in the storage compartment and stepped into the passenger section. This wasn’t the usual standard of capsule Niall was used to, but he did only book his ticket last night. It was a bit cramped, he could look around, but trying to move was out of the question. He was just thankful the three-week trip would be quick, as Elon had capitalised on the idea of cryogenic freezing for space travel. When Niall explained it to Zayn once, Zayn thought it was amazing and wanted to try it, Niall had to explain he couldn’t do it himself, it had to be done by professionals, or in this case, it was self-administered. 

An automated voce announced that the capsules would be departing soon. As soon as the announcement finished, a small compartment opened, and silver tray appeared with two pills and a small cup of water. Niall took the first pill, as this would start the freezing process. The pill tasted faintly of lemons, Niall always enjoyed it, as it felt like you were gently falling asleep. The second pill was when you were woken up at your destination, it contained all the nutrition a traveller missed from the three-week trip. Niall settled into the chair and fell into a deep sleep. Once he woke up, he’d be in Worcester being greeted by Louis, and the shenanigans could start properly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to comment and give kudos x :D


End file.
